Shatter
by supershu-chan
Summary: A mistake, a misunderstanding, and two hearts broken beyond repair. Ch 12: A near death experience, a Kumagoro Beam, and the best kiss Shuichi ever will receive. Complete!
1. Tristesse

Disclaimer: Maki Murakami owns Gravitation. I am not Maki Murakami. Therefore, I do not own Gravitation. I'm somewhat saddened by this.

**Shatter CH 1. Eiri POV.**

_Tristesse was still buttoning up her fur-lined velvet coat as she walked, faster than normal, down the sidewalks of Paris, the same sidewalks she'd walked so many times before._

_She sighed to herself, hitching her designer purse higher up on her shoulder. There was a breeze tonight, and not a pleasant one. The wind was cold, biting at her delicate features. It was a dark night, even under the obnoxious glaring of the terribly-placed streetlights. Clouds shrouded the almost-full moon, and not a single star bothered wasting the effort to come out and shine._

_She did not look back at the gloomy, run-down apartment. She didn't have to. She was leaving nothing behind. Nothing would be waiting for her if she came back._

_She would never see him again. She'd never learned his name, and she'd long forgotten his face. _

_He meant nothing to her, she tried to convince herself, biting her lip to keep herself from shivering and crying as she found her way home._

-

"That's kind of depressing, Yuki," I hear from behind me, and I almost fall backwards out of my chair.

How long has he been in here?

"And what kind of name is Tristesse?" He rambles on, still out of my sight. "It sounds like a shampoo."

"It's French," I say, pushing my glasses up on my nose. "How did you get in here?"

"_Well_," he begins loudly, in a way that makes me instantly regret asking. "I came home and was so very overjoyed to be greeted with the scent of cigarettes and alcohol, and the sound of an overworked typewriter, so I decided not to bother you now that you're writing again. But I was really, really curious as to _what_ you were writing, and naturally my curiosity got the better of me, and so, still not wanting to disturb you, I devised a master plan." He does this dramatic-pause thing he's been prone to doing lately. "And I crawled in on my belly."

I have to chuckle at this. In the three years that we've been together, he has become not one iota less of a moron. "How is the story?" I ask, a bit warily.

It's true, I've had a bit of a writer's block recently. Today is actually my first time typing in two months. My editor's about ready to hang herself. Or me.

And as a result of this, I've become so insecure that I've actually resorted to asking _Shuichi_ of his opinion. Maybe I should just retire.

"I liked Tristesse better when her name was Brittany," Shuichi says, taking a few steps and now standing to the side of my chair instead of behind me. He's sucking on a stick of Pocky that he's somehow materialized.

"Brittany wasn't sorrowful enough," I say matter-of-factly.

"Brittany," he says, matching my tone perfectly, "didn't sound like a hair product." He takes a bite of Pocky and smiles down at me triumphantly.

It's almost cute.

Throwing his arms around my neck, he leans in close, and closer, and kisses me on the nose. His bangs tickle my cheek. He really needs a haircut, his purple streaks have almost washed out. He's been experimenting with different colors lately. Blue looked pretty good, red looked okay, and just thinking about green makes me want to vomit.

My favorite color on him though, is pink. And if you tell him that, I'll think of several pointy objects with which to sever your head, and you can tell me which sounds like the most fun.

"Tadaima, Yuki," he says, giggling proudly. He's found his way onto my lap.

I roll my eyes. I can't type like this. He's distracting and heavy. I'm about to push him off, but he wiggles around until he's comfortable and then just _melts_ into me. And he sighs like he's in heaven and he's just been handed an ice cream cone.

He's not going anywhere, I deduce.

And I'm okay with that.

-

I write and Shuichi reads. I know for a fact that he's never once opened one of my finished novels, but the in-progress ones, the ones that exist only in the dark recesses of my mind and the heavily-guarded files of my laptop, those he is fascinated by. He loves watching the words spill out from my fingers onto the screen, he's said.

It's like magic, he told me.

I don't know about that. Tristesse's eternal heartache, her devastating search for true love, her endless affairs, her giant shoe closet...it's all fluff to me. It's meaningless. Stupid, even.

And the fact that hormonal teenage girls and lonely, ignored housewives eat it up just proves my point.

Shuichi likes it though, and that's enough to keep me writing. Even if the fact that he does like it proves my prose's stupidity even further.

"Hey, Yuki," he says, a bit sleepily, I notice. "I remember why I came home early now."

He came home early? I glance at the clock on my laptop.

So he did.

"I wanted to spend some time with you because tonight I'm gonna meet with this producer for our new album! I mean, Sakano-san's still our producer, but we're gonna try a new, hipper approach too! We're trying to take our music to the next level! Bad Luck's gonna be real cutting edge like BOOM! Exploding onto the charts!"

He's wide awake now, bouncing up and down on my lap as if this serves as some physical exclamation point. It would be cute if it wasn't so uncomfortable.

"And this is all just a roundabout way of saying you won't be home tonight?"

He grins like an idiot, the same way he always does when I refer to our place of dwelling as "home".

"I should be back by eleven," he says, still beaming. "Remember to eat dinner, Yuki. You're losing weight again. You're getting all bony which is definitely _not_ comfortable in–"

I push him onto the floor.

"Owww," he wails, big stupid tears welling up in his eyes. "What was that for? Yuki, you meanie!" He starts punching my shoulder like he actually expects it to hurt.

"Go take a shower," I tell him, smirking. As much as I've come to not hate having him around, I do need a few moments a day with him out of my hair. "You smell like snack food."

He looks slightly hurt by this. It wasn't even an insult. I was simply stating a _fact._

"Okay," he says. "Good luck with Tristesse." He gives me a quick kiss on the mouth, tasting sweetly and distinctly of strawberry Pocky.

"You taste like snack food too," I inform him, pretending to grimace.

Hearing him giggle as he walks out the door, I'm almost sad to see him go.

-

A/N: And so ends the first chapter of my first fanfic! No shattering has happened yet, because I don't believe in diving headfirst into the angst, but don't worry, there will be plenty of angst to come! This chapter actually serves mostly as a prologue.

Thanks so much for reading, and review if you liked it! You can review if you didn't like it too, just go easy on me. -laughs-


	2. Kitty with Fangs

Disclaimer: Last I checked, I didn't own Gravitation. -checks again- Nope, not mine. Sigh.

**Shatter CH 2. Shuichi POV.**

This club is very smoky. I'm really not fond of smoke at all. What's so great about something that does nothing for you but shorten your lifespan? I don't mind when Yuki smokes, of course, or Hiro either. Even if it is extremely bad for them.

But in this club, the smell of smoke is so strong it almost knocks me over. I know the smell of smoke will be clinging to my clothes even _after_ I wash them. Then I'll make myself cough.

I'm coughing a lot already, and I want to leave. Yuki really hasn't been eating much at all lately, I really need to get some good food into him. I think he's been really stressed out lately, with his writing I guess. I really want to help him, but I'm stuck in this smoky, sweaty club.

But there's good music playing, poppy techno with an awesome thumping bass beat that really makes me want to get up and dance. But I have to wait for Producer-san, so I just close my eyes and bob my head along to the music.

I think about Yuki. He smelled really good today. And even though he's been quiet lately, and mopey too, I think he's been trying to be nicer. I feel myself smile. I love him so much.

"You must be Shindou Shuichi," I hear a girl say. At least I think it's a girl. The voice is pretty deep. I'm pretty sure it's a girl though.

I open my eyes. Girl. Smiling at her I say, "Yup, that's me! You can call me Shuichi. And who are you?"

She laughs, not kindly, but not unkindly. Somewhere in the middle, I guess. "I'm Higuchi Kaori, I work for 2-Thirtyfive Productions." She gives me a smile that reminds me of Seguchi-san. I try not to shudder.

OH! Wait a minute!

_She's_ Producer-san! How cool! For some reason I really wasn't expecting Producer-san to be a girl, just because I've never met a girl producer. So this is really awesome!

"Nice to meet you, Higuchi-san. I've heard you have some great ideas for Bad Luck's new album!"

She takes the seat parallel to mine. The icy smile hasn't left her face. "Do I ever," she says. Her voice kind of reminds me of a cat purring. I smile, imagining her as a kitty. With fangs. "I've heard you'd really like to push the envelope with this new record."

Yes! She totally understands! What an awesome producer! She's really pretty too, with shiny, super-straight shoulder-length hair, with electric blue streaks. Her eyes are big and sparkly and violet, like mine I guess. Hers are kinda scary though. She's giving me the willies, a little.

"Exactly," I say, pretending I'm not totally creeped out by her. We are on the same page musically, so that makes me a little more confident in her. I mean, to be personally recommended by Seguchi-san, she's gotta be super-cool. Right?

"I really want this album to be unique," I explain, using the best words I can to make myself sound smarter. "Like nothing no one's ever heard before. I want listening to the CD to be like an adventure, a new experience, something different for everyone! Like a ride at Disneyland!"

Ooooh. Shuichi. That did _not_ sound smart.

Higuchi-san is laughing again. "You're quite ambitious, Shuichi," she says, raising her eyebrows. "I like that."

Some smoke finds its way into my lungs and I cough. Ouch. My throat hurts now.

"Are you okay, Shuichi?" she asks, sounding almost worried. "Do you need a drink?"

"Oh no," I say, waving it off. Yuki says I should never buy drinks from people I don't know. Or trust. And I don't trust Higuchi-san, just yet. "I'll get my own."

"No, I'd love to buy you something, Shuichi. It's my treat." She smiles like a lion smiles at a big, juicy steak.

I'm the steak.

I wish I didn't let her call me Shuichi.

It's creeping me out even more.

-

After a few drinks, we're talking about music again. Higuchi-san is actually really smart, and funny too, and almost nice if you ignore the evil glint in her eyes.

She thinks my disco idea is really neat, and she's suggested giving some of the slower songs a more jazzy feel, which sounds really cool.

I like Higuchi-san. I trust her now.

"Shuichi," she purrs, tracing the rim of her glass with her finger, "have you ever considered going solo?"

Yuck. I hate this question. Hate hate hate it. "No, ma'am," I reply, completely honestly. "I only want to sing for Bad Luck."

"But Shuichi," she says, almost whining now, and definitely not purring, "you're so talented."

"So are Hiro and Fujisaki," I say, leaning further back as she leans in closer to me. Too close. I think she's had a bit too much to drink, and I'm a little scared. "I'd be nowhere without them, you know. They're amazing."

"So are you," she says, taking my hand, and like..._stroking_ it. What is she _doing?_

"No, well, thank you, but really..." I try to wiggle my hand loose, but she's got a really strong grip.

Maybe she really is a guy.

"Shuichi," she says, taking my other hand now, and leaning in so close our noses touch. She breathes hot, sticky alcohol smell on my face. "I want you...to share your talent with me."

Oh – Oh my God! No! She's...she's _kissing_ me! No, no, no, she can't do this! I belong to Yuki! I'm Yuki's! Not yours...I'm not yours!

I slap her, hard I hope, and run out of there as quickly as my legs will allow me. I can't see, I'm blinded by smoke and tears. I push pass people whose names and faces I'll never know, who I'd love to meet someday, but couldn't care less about right now because...because I need to get _out._

As soon as I'm outside, I'm smacked with a cold wind and I fall flat on my butt in the middle of the freezing parking lot.

I can't see. I can't think. I can't even stand up.

All I can do is cry, and cry and cry, and hope that I don't get run over.

Or maybe that I do.

_I'm sorry, Yuki._

-

A/N - And the angst begins! This is actually one of the weaker chapters but...it gets better, I promise! You know, today in the middle of one of my very boring classes (I think it was math) I realized that today is Shuichi's birthday!

...And look what I do to him. Sorry, Shu-chan.

**Vindalootoo:** Ohhhh my gosh. It's such an honor knowing you even -read- my story! And you...liked it too? Thank you so so much!!! -super ultimate glomp-

Hope you enjoyed! Review if you don't mind terribly much. -Shu :D


	3. Mocha Cappuccino

1Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation, no siree Bob.

**Shatter CH 3. Eiri POV.**

"_Tristesse." It was a deep, gravelly voice, highly undistinguished. It could have belonged to any man in Paris. But she knew the way he said her name. She knew it was him. Jean-Claude. She did not greet him, she did not look at him. "I have so longed to see you."_

_She did not want to remember him. But remember she did. No matter how hard she tried, she could not forget the few short hours in that dark room, where he was hers and she was his, and they pretended they were in love. But he did not have to know that._

"_I don't remember you," she told him coolly. She was skilled in this practice of hers, lying to men. With just the right purse of her lips, the right flutter of her eyelashes, she could make them believe they never meant anything to her. And she'd become so good at it, she could make herself believe it too._

_Any other man would have been fooled._

_Any other man but Jean-Claude._

_She sat in silence, waiting to feel the presence behind her vanish. It did not. "Yes, you do, Tristesse. I know you do."_

_She felt herself flinch. Why was he so persistent? Anyone else would've given up by now. Was it possible that he wanted her as badly as she wanted him? It wasn't, was it?_

"_I do not _want _to remember you," she said, standing up and smoothing her skirt with her hands. She walked away from the bistro, leaving Jean-Claude, her mocha cappuccino, and her heart behind._

-

I lean back in my chair, reading over what I've just written, checking for spelling errors and overall crappiness.

No mistakes, but boy, is it crappy.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this whole novelist thing. I never was. Those eight top-ten bestsellers, those were just flukes.

I mean, really. They _sucked._

Having been hit with the major realization that I am not, in fact, as I've always believed myself to be, a passable novelist, I feel a severe headache coming on.

Rubbing my temples with two fingers each, I stand up and drag myself to the kitchen for some Aspirin.

As I'm washing the extra-strength pills (you need them when you live with Shuichi) down with some beer, my eyes drift to the hyperactive neon green of the microwave clock. 1:12 AM, it reads.

Shuichi said he'd be home by eleven.

-

"Hello?" I'm greeted by a tired and extremely grumpy Nakano.

It's not like I want to talk to him either. He can at least humor me.

"Have you seen Shuichi?" I ask, straight to the point. No need to waste more time talking to idiots than I already do.

"No...isn't he home with you?" Even through his yawn, I can tell that Nakano is concerned. And angry.

I also have a strange feeling he's not wearing pants.

"No. He went to a meeting with some new producer. Weren't you there?" _God. _Obviously, if he was home with me, I wouldn't have phoned.

"I...no...meeting? We don't have any meetings scheduled until...uh...not today." He yawns again.

What the hell? He _is_ a member of Shuichi's stupid band, isn't he? Wouldn't he know about this?

Unless...

Unless Shuichi lied to me.

But he wouldn't do that, would he?

No. No, he wouldn't.

I think.

"Okay," I say, my forehead throbbing already. _God._ "Tell me if you see him. And put some pants on, Nakano."

I hang up.

I need some more Aspirin, and a lot more beer.

-

I'm woken from a pleasant, heavily-medicated slumber by the electronic shriek of my phone.

I roll over to face my alarm clock. 4:32 AM. If this is a telemarketer, so help me–

"Hey. I've found Shuichi."

-

Nakano Hiroshi is absolutely _horrific_ at giving directions. After about an hour of confused, aimless driving, I encounter a sign that informs me that I'll soon be leaving Tokyo.

Well then.

I head to the nearest gas station, and pick up some cigarettes and a box of strawberry Pocky. I don't even think about buying it anymore, just like you don't have to think about tying your shoes, or using toilet paper. You just do it.

I also ask for directions, something I hate doing, but I'm tired and desperate. The straggly-bearded guy behind the counter is actually helpful, and I learn that Nakano's house is actually only about ten minutes away from mine.

I am going to _strangle _him.

-

Shuichi looks like he just got run over.

Except that he's not bleeding, or injured in any way.

But I can tell by the way he's jutting out his bottom lip, the way he's furrowing his eyebrows, the way his cheeks are still wet from crying, that he's downright miserable.

Lying in the fetal position on Nakano's couch, curled up so tiny and helpless under the blanket he's clutching so desperately, he looks so small that I'm scared the sofa might swallow him if I look away.

"He doesn't want to see you," Nakano says, his voice low, I guess so he that he won't wake Shuichi. "I told him you called and he completely freaked out, started screaming about how he could never see you again." He yawns. Again. "Just go home."

"Only if I can take him with me," I say, pulling out and lighting my fourth cigarette this hour.

"No," he says harshly. It's hard to look intimidating in flannel pajama bottoms, but he's pulling it off. "Let me talk to him first. I think most of all," –another yawn– "he needs time alone. Away from you."

No. This can't be right. Shuichi always wants to be with me. Always.

He's told me so many times before.

Shuichi hates to be alone.

I look down at the broken, sleeping boy on the couch, just to make sure he hasn't disappeared completely. I silently pray to whatever deity there may be in this world that his eyelids will flutter open, he'll throw himself into my arms, and we'll go back home right now, fall asleep, and forget this whole thing.

He doesn't. And I'm still standing in the middle of Nakano's stupid living room, chewing my cigarette, too tired to argue.

Without another word, I walk out to my car. As I strap myself in, I notice a bright pink box of candy that somehow found its way onto my passenger seat.

I throw it out the window.

-

A/N: You know, for my Eiri narrative, I study my science teacher. He reminds me so much of Eiri. Is that weird? -nervous laugh- He gives me lots of great ideas though, for the violent, sarcastic kinds of things Eiri would say.

**Bethy-mew!** Thank youuuu so very much for reviewing! I'm so glad you're enjoying The Shatter. -flings hearts at you-

As for everyone else, I really hope you'll take the half a minute or so it takes to review. I'd really like to know what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, ways I can make this story better, stuff like that! I'd love some constructive criticism! Of course, a little ego-stroking isn't bad either. ;D

Thanks so much for reading! Till next time, Shu-chan :D


	4. Shatter

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine. I'll get over it someday.

**Shatter CH 4. Shuichi POV.**

Once I'm awake enough to register where the heck I am, I realize I've got my head in a toilet and I'm barfing my brains out.

Hmm. Must've eaten something bad.

After wretching for another half an hour or so, I'm so, so very miserable that I really wouldn't mind dying.

Then I feel terrible for thinking that thought..

I didn't mean it, God, really.

Slowly, very slowly, I clutch the toilet seat, watching my knuckles turn white, and lift myself off the cold, tile floor. I'm very wobbly. I try to laugh.

I see myself in the mirror. Is that me? I look terrible, like I just got run over or something.

Hee. That sounds like something Yuki would say.

_Yuki._

A tiny voice in the back of my head is crying. It's saying, very, very softly, ringing like a little, broken bell, _I'm sorry, Yuki._

And right now, just like a pie to the face or a dodgeball to the groin, it hits me. I remember everything. Higuchi-san and her blue-streaked hair, her purring, manly voice, giving me compliments it didn't mean, the smell of too much alcohol on her breath as she moved in too close to me, the taste of it still lingering on her lips as she...

I...

I cheated on Yuki. I did. I am the most horrible...

Imagine the lowest, lowest living micro-organism ever, lower than pond scum.

I am the gum stuck on the bottom of its shoe.

I want to die now, I do. I need to die.

I don't deserve to live.

I don't deserve Yuki.

I glare, as meanly as I possibly can, at that pathetic, disgusting person glaring back at me through the mirror.

I hate him. I hate me.

With all the force I can muster, I punch him, and I watch him, and me, shatter into a million tiny, broken pieces, racing toward the ground, glittering under the last bit of light they'll ever see.

And then I throw up again.

-

"Shuichi!"

A voice, a deep voice. A deep, worried voice. Hiro, I think.

_Knock, knock, knock. _God, that's loud. But really, it's nothing compared to the pounding someone's doing on the inside of my forehead.

_Knock, knock._ "Shuichi? I'm coming in."

I can't see very well. Everything's blurry and fuzzy. It's kind of cool, actually.

But even so, I can tell that Hiro is shocked, surprised, and possibly very, very mad.

"What – What did you...? Oh my God, your hand! Shuichi, what did you...?"

He's panicking.

That is what I call the understatement of the year.

He's running around the tiny bathroom, trying not to step on any glass, or me (somehow, I ended up on the floor), with his head in his hands, muttering, whimpering, and occasionally letting out a very frustrated yell.

"I'm sorry about your mirror," I say weakly. Was that even me? That wasn't my voice. That was the voice of someone who's absolutely, unmistakably hopeless.

Okay, maybe it was me.

"The mirror," Hiro says, struggling to sound calm, I can tell, "is the least of my worries right now."

Oh, Hiro. You're such a good friend.

Guess I don't deserve you either. I'll just hurt you. I'm a life-wrecker.

And looking around this place, I can conclude that I am most definitely a bathroom-wrecker too.

"Shuichi, this cut is really deep." Hiro sounds so concerned. I can't see him though. He's kneeling down next to me now, and the closer something comes to me, the fuzzier it gets.

How did I end up with such a great friend?

I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Ow. It's making my headache worse. Owie ow. I shut my eyes as tight as I can and feel the tears slide down my cheeks, so cold.

"I'm gonna take you to the hospital," Hiro's telling me, but I'll admit I'm not really listening.

I turn my head to try and face him – ow ow _ow – _and I notice my hand.

Oooooh, that's a lot of blood.

Everything gets a lot fuzzier all of a sudden.

-

A/N: Hee, this chapter and the next one are my personal favorites. I like angst.

You know what I listened to while typing this? "Baby One More Time". How odd, ne? -laughs-

**sayuri-girl: **Thanks so much:D The way I play with the characters, eh? Well, that's the fun of fanfic, isn't it? ;D So glad you're enjoying Shatter. -hands you virtual candy of your choice-

Okay, I really don't wanna sound like I'm complaining but...well, this story has almost 600 views and only three reviews. I'm extremely grateful that people are reading this at all, but I really would like to know what you think of it. Even if it's mean. My greatest interest is in improving my writing.

So please, please, if you have the time, a review would be lovely.

Thank you very much for reading! Love and hugs, Shu-chan :D


	5. Acid Rain

Disclaimer: I have about seventy-five cents to my name. Do you really think I'd own Gravitation?

**Shatter CH 5. Eiri POV.**

"He _what_?"

"Well, I'm not sure exactly," Nakano tells me, his voice sounding even more exhausted than it did last night. I can't imagine I sound any better, especially judging by the purplish circles under my eyes. Attractive. "From what I've gathered, he assaulted my mirror."

That doesn't sound right. Shuichi would never assault anything, not even that infernal cockroach we faced last summer. He'd cringed like mad, watching me squash it (quite violently, I'll admit), and claimed to have nightmares for a week afterwards.

"Don't visit him," Nakano's warning me.

Shuichi's in the hospital.

Because he punched a mirror.

Suddenly, it all clicks.

"I won't," I tell him, and I'm not lying. I chomp on my cigarette, the closest thing to an anger management exercise I can think of right now.

I then grab the object closest to me, my nice little glass ashtray, and throw it as hard as I can. Watching it smash into the wall, I can almost _feel_ it breaking.

Or maybe that was my heart.

Ooh, that was good, Eiri. Remember it for one of your books.

"Good," Nakano says, and without further ado, he hangs up.

I know where Shuichi was last night. Not where he was, exactly, but what he was doing.

He did something terrible, and he knows it.

And he punched that mirror because he couldn't stand the person staring back at him.

-

I've never particularly liked this building. Sure, it's nice, sure, it's pretty, but does it have to be so freaking ostentatious?

It's like the white leather couches with their tasseled throw pillows, the oversized and overly decorated vases, and the two-hundred-thousand dollar paintings of that crap they call modern art are smiling smugly down at me, as if to say, 'Look how much better we are than you'.

The painkillers must be getting to me.

Once inside the claustrophobia-inducing silence of the elevator, I give my head a good shake. I'm already so mad I can hardly see. I don't need to be freaking _high _on top of it.

"Eiri-san." Seguchi looks pleasantly surprised to see me, as he always does. He gives me one of those soulless smiles, but as I walk closer to him, he knows. He doesn't know _what, _but he knows. The smile vanishes as quickly as it appeared, and he takes me into his arms.

I don't say anything. I don't need to. He _knows. _

I want to cry, but I don't. Instead I close my eyes, and concentrate on going numb. I erase every feeling inside me. The incessant pounding in the back of my head, it's gone. The scratchy tightness in my throat, gone. Even the stinging in the palms of my hands into which I'm digging my fingernails. Nothing.

I can't feel it, but I can hear it.

The resounding noise of my very heart, shattering into more pieces than I can count, and falling, falling, with the acid rain I hear pouring outside, slamming against the window, then sliding down the glass, slipping into oblivion.

I can hear it, but I can't feel it.

I'm numb.

I don't even feel myself cry.

-

I was sixteen. Of course I was.

Everything happened when I was sixteen.

I hadn't eaten or drank anything for a whole week. I don't think I did anything, really.

Sometimes I'm not sure I _was_ anything.

Seguchi sat me down at his kitchen table. He informed me that I was not to even think about leaving the table until I finished the lightly-buttered piece of whole wheat toast and glass of water placed in front of me.

At first, I had trouble even lifting my arm to pick up the piece of bread. Every part of me felt heavy and dead. My eyelids, my throat. My heart.

It took ages, it seemed, just to chew the small bite I'd managed to tear off. I remembered that in the short week following the incident, as Seguchi called it, I'd retreated into silence, not so much as grunting when asked a question. So many questions. It felt strange, moving my mouth again. I think my teeth forgot how to chew.

I had trouble swallowing. My throat was so dry, I imagined it covered in dust and cobwebs. It felt like it was closing up, tighter and tighter, threatening my very existence. I picked up the glass of water with a small, shaking hand and took a tiny sip. It was gloriously cold, liquid magic, sliding down my throat. Gulping down that glass of water at that moment was probably the greatest pleasure I'd known in my young life.

I then proceeded to run to the bathroom and vomit. I guess, along with everything else, my body forgot how to digest food.

Wiping my mouth with toilet paper, I stood up, and in the mirror I caught my first glimpse of _it._

The monster who murdered sensei.

It was hideous. It was revolting. I wanted nothing more to smash the very life out of it, and have it gone, _dead, _forever.

And so I did.

Seguchi bolted in almost immediately, gently taking me by my bleeding hand and leading me out so I could go to the hospital and get twelve stitches sewn into said hand. Good times.

But I'll never forget looking down at the broken, jagged pieces of glass, scattered across the linoleum-tiled floor, and still seeing _it, _the monster, reflecting – _staring – _right back at me.

-

"Oh, Eiri-san," Seguchi's saying, in that voice, that velveteen voice. Even I've noticed how hard I'm crying now, so much so that my shoulders are shaking and I have to gasp for breath every so often.

Seguchi's not smiling, but he's not frowning, as he lifts his hand and wipes a tear from my eyes with his thumb. He gently cups his hand around my face, holding me, keeping me safe. From myself.

I close my eyes and allow myself to melt into the smooth, smooth silk of those gloves he's always wearing. For one short moment, I forget Shuichi and everything else wrong in the world.

Then Seguchi kisses me.

-

A/N: Was that a cliffhanger? Oh, I'm sorry. Hee.

This chapter is, like...my baby. -laughs- This idea formed in my mind, and I was like "Ooh, I dunno if I can pull this off." But I think that, for me, I did really well, and I am quite proud of myself. So, please please please, if you have anything to say about it, please do! Say it, I mean. Tell me what you liked, if anything, and if not, what you didn't like. Or you can ask me about my favorite kind of pie or something. I'd just like to talk. -laughs again-

**sayuri-girl: **Meep, I'm so glad you're enjoying this. Thanks so much:D

**Yuki-Mizu: **You made my day! You review just like I do, long and rambling. Which I love! Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it. I think that Shuichi overreacted a bit as well, and that is indeed how I meant for it to be. He is Shuichi, after all. ;D Thank you so very much, I'm happy you like it!

**murmuring'.breeze-: **MISTRESS!!! Lol, everyone's gonna think we're so odd. You're really much too kind to me! Thank you so much, though!! You really should get into Gravi. It's good stuff. ;) And high-five for angst-lovers! -highfive- Thanks again!!

CH 6 may take a while to put up. There are a few directions this story could go in, and I'm trying to figure out which will work best. Which, for me, will take a while. This author's note is getting as long as the actual chapter, isn't it? Oops. Thanks so much for reading!! -Shu-chan


	6. Firefly

Disclaimer: I think by now, we've all come to terms with the fact that I don't own Gravitation. -wipes a tear- Most of us, anyway.

-

_Am I good enough_

_For you to love me too? -_"Good Enough", Evanescence

-

**Shatter CH 6. Shuichi POV.**

I'm not quite sure how this happened.

Somehow, I've gone through my whole, entire life, not once realizing that I am a very, very selfish person.

As in, _very_ selfish.

Looking back, of course, now I see it. When I first moved in with Yuki, I was in love with him. So very much in love with him. As in love with him as I am right now.

(That's a lot.)

That's not why I moved in with him, though.

Sure, duh, it was part of it. I told myself that it was all because I loved Yuki so much that I couldn't stand to be without him any longer than humanly possible.

This is true. All I wanted was to be near Yuki. To be close to him, to be near him, in some way, somehow. To breathe the same air he did, to take part in the enchanting chain of events that surely made up Yuki Eiri's everyday life.

But there's more.

This is the thing that I don't want to admit, not even to myself. This is something that I kept locked in the dark inner chambers of my heart, in a dusty old box shoved into the very back of my mind, shut tight.

That's almost poetic, don't you think?

Well, I knew that Yuki...he had other lovers. I knew it, and I was almost okay with it. That's just the way he is, I told myself. Just like how he would never quit smoking, if I asked him to. Which I wouldn't.

'Cause then he wouldn't be Yuki anymore.

And I love Yuki.

This is where I get selfish.

I knew that Yuki had other lovers, and I couldn't change that. I could fight it, though. And so I devised a brilliant plan.

I'd become the first thing he saw in the morning, there to greet him with a smile and a plate of fluffy chocolate chip pancakes.

I'd be the last thing he saw at night, the last whisper he heard, telling him just how much I loved him, as he drifted off to sleep.

I'd become his _favorite._

Isn't that terrible?

Thinking about it now, I shudder.

Oh, but there's more.

I wanted to believe that by living with Yuki, I could find a special piece of him that I could hold on to, and love forever, and that no one else could touch. A part of Yuki that was all mine.

And I hoped, hoped with all my heart, that maybe Yuki would find something in me too. Some tiny ounce of sparkle of light within me, shining just for him. Something worth keeping. Worth loving.

Even though the grumpy voice in the back of my head that I prefer _not_ to listen to kept reminding me of what I already knew, what I chose to ignore; Yuki would never love me.

Not like I love him, anyway.

He's so cool and smart, and sophisticated, and gorgeous and sexy. A thousand and one different kinds of wonderful. Amazing. That's Yuki.

Me?

I'm a scrawny little brat with pink hair and an excruciatingly girly laugh.

And that's about it.

Somewhere deep, deep inside me, maybe in my kidney or something, there was always a tiny, tiny little glimmer of hope. The very last firefly, flickering on and off, before finally giving up and surrendering, falling into the darkness. The truth.

But, always...I knew.

I would never be good enough for Yuki, never.

And now, I don't even stand a chance.

-

"Shuichi? Shuichi?" That's Hiro. I think. He's shaking me. Ow. "You okay, buddy? Does your hand hurt?"

Hand? Why would my...I lift my hand to inspect it.

_Ow._

So that's why.

"No, no, I'm okay," I try to say.

"Are you sure?" Hiro asks, his eyebrows drawn together tight. "Why are you crying, then?"

Oh. Ohhh. "It's nothing," I say. My voice is so scratchy, maybe he can't tell I'm lying.

He cocks one eyebrow quizzically.

Maybe he can.

"It's nothing," I repeat, looking down at the blanket folded in my lap. My voice is so quiet, I'm not sure it's a voice at all. Maybe it wants to be a voice, but it's not quite sure how to become one.

No, I really don't know what I'm saying either.

Hiro's quiet for a long time. He's looking very closely at the floor tiles. Maybe he's counting them, or watching an ant crawl or something. He's very concentrated.

I listen to the rain hit the window. It's just a light rain, a soft pitter-patter, a steady beat. It's calming, this rain. I close my eyes, and imagine that I'm floating far away from here. Floating, on a cotton candy cloud, through the watercolor sky. There's music, and laughter, and everything I seem to have lost in the past few hours.

Well, almost everything.

Yuki...I'd rather not think about him.

Hiro places his hand on my knee. I jump a little. He's cold.

"When you're ready to tell me," he says, in a soft, but deep voice, "I'm right here. I'm gonna go get some lunch. You want anything?"

I silently ask my stomach if it's hungry. No reply. I think it's worn out. "No thanks, Hiro."

"You sure?" He's eyeing me suspiciously.

What? What did I do?

"Maybe a box of Pocky," I say, smiling. You know, it feels good to smile.

"Sure thing, kid," he says, ruffling my hair. Ow. Headache.

I watch him leave. I really like his pants. Remind me to ask him where he got them, okay, Shuichi? Okay.

Ohhhh. I need some sleep.

I wave goodbye to Hiro, he steps out the door, and just like that, he's _gone._

And I suddenly am smacked with the realization of just how alone I really am.

It hurts almost as much as my hand.

I...I need something. I need something to hold on to. Something that's not real, something I can't hurt. Something that won't ever leave me.

I grab the pillow behind me, with my non-injured hand of course, and clutch it to my chest. I hug it. I'm gonna hug this pillow, squeeze it tight until all my sadness flies, flies away.

I could be here a while.

A rumble. In the sky. A big, huge rumble, like someone's riding on top of the roof in a bulldozer. So big and loud and huge that I'm scared it'll crush me, that it'll eat me up and swallow me whole.

I'm so scared.

I hate thunder.

It rumbles again, louder this time. A chill runs up and down my spine, lightning fast. I'm shaking all over. My eyes are stinging. I really don't think they can take any more tears. I squeeze the pillow as tight as I can, and it hurts my hand, God it hurts, but I don't care.

I need someone here with me, even if it is just a pillow.

I just can't be alone.

The thunder roars again, commanding the entire world, and I'm shrinking, powerless, helpless. Shaking and shivering and just _sad,_ I bury my face in the pillow and cry.

Through my tears, I manage to sing. Warble, really. I sing, sing as loud as I can in this raspy, worthless voice. I block out the thunder, drown out the rain, wash away all the sad, horrible, yucky thoughts I've been feeling so often lately.

I sing away the pain.

-

A/N: Finally, it returns! Sorry, this took much longer to post than I thought it would. The truth is, no matter how much editing and rewriting I do, I just can't find myself being entirely happy with this chapter. (I hate chapter seven, too.) So, no, it's not one of my stronger chapters, I apologize. But I promise, as this story nears its end, there are some good ones coming up!

...In my opinion, anyway.

Feedback always helps. That may have been a hint. ;D

**Rena Is So Cool. **YES! Finally, someone who understands! Tohma is SUCH a ho. -hands you a Best Review Ever award and a box of Pocky-

**sayuri-girl: **I love your reviews sooo much. You really keep me going, no da! Thank you so very much for your in-depth review. :D

**migrated-pineapple:** Yaaay! You got an account! -dances in circles- So glad you like The Shatter, sorry about the confusion. Hee. Someday, you _will_ watch Gravi! You'll watch it and like it! -laughs slightly maniacally- I love you toooo! Nya.

Thanks SO much to those of you who reviewed 'Prom' and 'Lonely Hearts Club' too, it means the world to me! A special big hug to **YamiHaruko**, who is so very sweet and kind to me, and is also an _amazing _author! If you haven't read her fic **Sin**, then what the heck are you doing reading this lame fic? Go read hers! -laughs- Okay, I'll stop my shameless plugging.

Thanks so much for reading, everyone! I'd really, really love reviews, but I won't be reduced to begging.

...Yet. ;D


	7. Requiem

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation, or any of its sexy bishies. -wails-

**Shatter CH 7. Eiri POV.**

_It had been days. No, weeks. Her heart burned with an angry, uncontrollable passion to see him. He was all she wanted. She _needed_ him, she feared._

_She wasn't used to needing anything, or anyone. Especially not a _man. _And why Jean-Claude, of all men? He was average, at best. What was it about him, Jean-Claude, that made her heart flutter, ache, that made the arches of her feet tingle in the most delightful way, when she so much as thought of him?_

_What, she wondered, was the world coming to?_

-

I push Seguchi the hell off me, and get the hell out of there.

Well. I _try _to.

"Eiri," he calls after me, in that silken voice, rippling through the ear and sneaking its way into my ear. My insides curl.I'd like to throw up, pass out, or cause serious physical harm to Seguchi's face.

Decisions, decisions.

He takes my hand, pulling me back to him. He has such small, dainty hands. But it feels like they can crush me, break me, into small, tiny pieces that one gust of wind could send flying so far away that any one memory of a person called Uesugi Eiri would no longer exist.

He runs his gloved finger over the scar, the scar I've forgotten, finally, after all this time, reminding me who I am, and that I most definitely, in this moment, exist.

In one swift movement, I take my hand back and take a few strides to the door. I do not turn back to watch him stumble backwards into his desk.

I do laugh, though.

-

_She buttoned up her velvet coat and found her way out the door, abandoning her lonely apartment for, she hoped, the last time._

_The steady clicking of her heels on the sidewalk helped calm the nervous pounding of her heart. But nothing could quiet the excited buzz of her mind, filling her head with oh-so-many magenta thoughts of lust and passion, anticipation._

_She was going back._

_She was going to see him._

-

I storm out that infernal elevator (it was playing a _Bad Luck_ song, for God's sake) and stomp my way to the front door, stopping only to wipe the hot, angry tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.

But who am I angry at, exactly?

Shuichi? Seguchi? Me?

That receptionist who's giving me dirty looks behind her glasses?

Just keep glaring, lady. Today is _not_ your day.

I decide to take it out on the ivory flower vase that just so happens to be mocking me from where it stands on a glass table.

I admire the intricate swirls, made of too-shiny gold, decorating, choking, the side of the vase. It really is nice.

I smash it to bits.

The receptionist is yelling at me.

You've done it now, Eiri.

Oh well.

Seguchi'll take care of it.

-

I don't know where I'm driving. I don't care. It's raining. _Storming. _Normally, I like this kind of weather. But at this precise moment, I'd prefer some glaring sunshine, chirping birdies, laughing, skipping children – that kind of cruel irony. Some kind of reminder that the rest of the world is not as sick and miserable as I am.

But no. It has to be freaking _storming._

I can't drive like this.

I've somehow ended up right in front of Tanemura Hospital. This is a joke, right?

Right?

Next, I find myself standing in front of a desk, asking a too-polite lady with curlers in her hair where Shuichi's room is.

I don't even remember getting out of the car.

Okay, who drugged me?

The door to his room is cracked open, just a little, like someone didn't completely shut it on their way out.

I peek in, finding Shuichi sitting on top of the bed in the dimly-lit room. He's smothering a pillow, suffocating it, holding onto it like it's his own life itself. He's rocking himself back and forth, in and out of the minimal light.

And he's singing.

Crying.

A simple tune, a tearful requiem. A bittersweet goodbye, mourning the loss of hope.

I close my eyes, standing in the doorway here in this gloomy hospital. His voice, his song, washes over me. Everyone, everything else vanishes, into thin air. I'm carried away, he's carrying me, to a place I could never even dream of.

I don't belong here.

I'm too twisted, and screwed up. Only Shuichi could dream a place like this, so innocent, and pure.

Heaven.

Or maybe it's hell.

I can't tell, anymore.

This all must have been a mistake.

It must have been.

And even, even if it wasn't...

I hear it in your song. The quivering notes, the trembling lyrics that surely would be crappy if I could decipher them, they're grabbing onto the very last pieces of my heart, holding on so desperately, and I know.

You need me.

Maybe even almost as much as I need you.

I forgive you, Shuichi.

Let's start over again. We'll pretend last night, and today, and any other days you want to forget, never happened, not even in our dreams. We'll start all over again.

And we'll start with this song.

-

A/N: Hmm. Well. Before all the super-duper-rewriting of this chapter, I entirely loathed it. Now, I don't mind it as much. But the few rough copies of this chapter...oh, they were horrendous.

On to the reviews! Wow, six? I feel spoiled. Thanks so much, guys!

**Rena Is So Cool. **Of course the pocky was strawberry! Only the best for youuu! -falls over- I LOVE YOU TOO AND YOUR CAPS LOCK. :D

**sayuri-girl! **Have I ever told you how much I love your reviews? Yes, I have. Oh well, I'm telling you again! -triumphant pose- You're like, way too nice to me, and I'm so glad you're reading it the way I hope it's being read. (If that made any sense at all...) It looks as though Eiri will try to comfort Shuichi now...but will he let him?

**Yuki-Mizu: **Yay! Another Tohma-hater! I say we gang up on him and throw water balloons at his head! ...Or maybe not. Wow, you are way too kind to me. I guess you can post the links if you want to...but I really don't think it's that good! Thanks so much, na no da. -wipes happy tear-

**vixen-of-the-roses: **Thanks so much! I hope they get back together too. -laughs- By the way, I _love_ your username. So pretty. :D

**Silvea: **Really, you wrote that too? -highfive!- Yeah, I felt a little bit lame using that particular cliché, but at the same time, I really like it so...I have no idea what I'm trying to say. -laughs- Tohma actually does get punched later in the story, but at this point in time, I don't know who punches him yet. And thanks so much. :D

Oh...wait a minute. Did you mean you sang? Man, I'm slow. Well, I sing away my pain too, so highfives either way!

-slinks into a corner-

**Murmury-chaaaan! **Well, that was the stupidest nickname of all time. Oh my gosh...really? You think so? Wowie, thanks so much! The truth is, when I wrote this, these were my exact same emotions too. Maybe that's why it came out well? Anyways, I do hope you feel better, as you know, for I love you! -laughs- And thanks a million-billion-hundred! 'Cause we all know I'm just as bad at math as you are. ;D

To everyone: Thanks so much for reading! It really does mean a whole lot to me! Now that I've got six reviews for one chapter, think we can match that? Or maybe even...-gasp- _beat_ it? I'd really love to know everyone's opinions, so please review if you can!

Thanks again, I love you all!


	8. Take Me Home

Disclaimer: IT'S NOT MINE.

-cries in a corner-

-

_Take me in, take me home_

_I can't stand to be alone._ -"Lonely No More", Clay Aiken

-

**Shatter CH 8. Shuichi POV.**

I'm too busy singing, crying, carrying myself away to a place where thunderstorms do _not _exist, that I don't notice the footsteps walking into my room.

Hiro won't mind, though, and I'm not that hungry anyway.

I just keep singing, singing. Float away, sadness, anger, hurt. Flutter off to the sound of these notes, little butterflies, and please, please don't come back.

Here, in this highly uncomfortable bed in this dark room, singing, without a care in the world, this is where I need to stay.

It's safe here.

A cigarette is lit. Oh, Hiro, I thought you knew, you really shouldn't smoke in hospital rooms. You know, if a doctor or someone catches you–

But that wasn't your lighter, was it, Hiro?

In fact, it sounded suspiciously like...

I turn my head to face the blonde head that does most definitely _not_ belong to Hiro.

...Yuki's.

-

The rain has slowed down, I notice. I don't think it's raining much at all, anymore. I hear a few stray drip-drops here and there, like you do when someone forgets to twist the faucet all the way off. It's like that.

The tiny droplets of rain hitting the window, slowly but surely, are all I can hear. I've stopped singing, stopped crying, maybe I've stopped breathing too.

I don't know.

Yuki's here. Yuki.

I wasn't supposed to see him, ever again! I can't...he can't...I don't want him to know.

I don't want Yuki...to be broken again.

What, oh what, please God tell me, am I supposed to do?

"How many stitches?" he asks flatly.

Well, that's one way to start a conversation with the person who's single-handedly destroyed your life.

No. Don't talk to him. I will not talk to him. I don't want to.

Who am I kidding, of course I want to.

But I won't.

"Eleven," I say, almost as flatly.

...Crap.

He chuckles.

Why is he chuckling?

Last I checked, getting eleven stitches in your hand was definitely _not _funny.

I think I'm pouting.

"I've got you beat," he says.

Huh? I tilt my head at him. Sometimes, Yuki, I really don't get you.

He holds out his hand to me, and points with his other hand to a small scar that I've somehow never, ever seen before. Could I really have overlooked it? It can't be new, can it?

No, it looks healed, already.

Cautiously as I've ever done anything, I gently run my finger on top of the scar, feeling the bumps, the imperfection, the broken skin sewn together as well as it could have been, but in the end, not well enough.

I'm scared that by touching it, I'll break it open again. I'm terrified. I pull my hand away, as quickly as I can, praying that this is all a dream, that Yuki is not here, and I never touched it at all.

That scar is Yuki's. His.

Nothing that's Yuki's is mine, anymore.

I try to forget how wonderful it was, the feel of his skin, so tough, but silky smooth. I can't think about that. I can't have that.

Yuki is no longer yours, Shuichi.

Get it through your thick, pink head.

I scoot as close to the edge of the bed as I can, without falling off. The edge farthest away from Yuki. I can't even risk touching him. I'll break him. I know it.

A flash of pain in Yuki's eyes. His beautiful, gorgeous, infinitely sexy golden eyes, filled with pain, if only for a second.

Look what you've done, Shuichi.

I turn away from him. I can't look at him, can't stare into the face of the person I've destroyed.

I just can't.

The rain is still falling. Harder and harder, it's falling now. I think it may storm again.

Oh, please, raindrops, wash it all away. Everything. I don't want to hurt anymore.

But more than anything, please, I don't want Yuki to hurt.

I shut my eyes tight, chewing on my bottom lip. If I just wish hard enough, the rain will wash everything away, and one by one, everything will start to make sense again.

Right?

Arms. Around me. Yuki's arms. Aren't they?

No, Yuki, don't touch me, please. You can't, I'm...I don't belong to you anymore. I don't belong to me, either. I kind of get the feeling I don't belong to anyone. I'm just a ghost, floating around, wandering, waiting for someone to accidentally leave their door open so I can float in and pretend I'm home.

Home. I want to go home.

With Yuki.

No. _No. _Yuki's not mine anymore, he's not. I betrayed him, I screwed everything up, I destroyed his life, and mine too. I'm just a ghost, with nowhere to go.

I try to push him away. I do. But he wraps his arms around me, tighter, clinging to me, suffocating me. Wanting me.

I choke back a sob, staring for directly out the window, searching for light, answers, but finding nothing but dark, gray storm clouds. I try to remember how to breathe.

Make it all make sense again, _please._

I can't help it. I cry.

_Take me home._

_-_

A/N: Oooh, they're getting sadder. Forgive me. Funnier chapters coming up real soon. Really!

More reviews? You guys really are too kind. I love you!

**Bad Luck Jynx:** Eeee, thanks so much! You're so kind. ...Did my story make you sad? I'm sorry. I was pretty sad when I wrote these past few chapters but...this story has a mostly happy ending. :D I LOVE your username, by the way.

I think it is a well-known fact, by now, that everyone on this site has a cooler username than me.

Oh well, what can you do.

**RENA.** YAAAY I HAVE A NICKNAME! Thanks so much. MORE STRAWBERRY POCKY FOR YOU! And anymore yummy flavors you like. Love you too. X3

**Silvea: **Wowie, thanks so much! I've never actually read Lord Of the Flies but...since it's a professional, published book, I'm very very honored. -jots it down on 'Books to Read' list- Thanks again, dude! XD

**Murmury-chan!** And the nickname returns. Umm, I'm the one who posted two chapters in three days, my dear. I think I'm the one with too much time on the comp. And I think we all wish we had a vase to smash, ne? Every once in a while at least. Thank you so much as always!! Love.

**Sayuriiii:** Wah. You really are too nice. You figured it out...is my writing too predictable? -laughs- Actually, I'm really happy that you're reading it the way I'm writing it. You're making me feel as though I've accomplished exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this fic and for this...I MUST GLOMP YOU! -glomps- Super love!

**Yukiiii:** Someone else who is way too kind. -bricked- YAY CHATROOM! -falls over- I love your reviews, you are awesome too, no da! Hee, the faces at the end of your review look like they're dancing. Glomps to you too!

**Xedra: **WOWIE. That's the kind of review I've always dreamed about! Thank you so so much...I've always wanted to be called poetic. I'm terrible, however, at poetry, so there go all my dreams of that. So that really means a lot to me, thank you! Gosh, I hate Tohma. He is super-evil in this fic...as will be revealed...uhhh, in a few chapters. -laughs- That's a pretty song, you were listening to, and sad too. I love sad songs! ...Okay, I'm rambling now. Thanks SO much again. :D

Everyone else! Thanks so much for reading, and I'd love it if you reviewed. ;D Thanks again!


	9. Last Kiss

Disclaimer: If it was mine, I'd have better things to do than sit around writing fanfic. I promise.

**Shatter CH 9. Eiri POV.**

After about an hour, or so it feels, of trying to wriggle himself out of my arms, attempting to shove me away, only to remember that I am _much_ stronger than him...the damn brat falls asleep.

I don't blame him. I recall sleeping a lot after getting stitches, too. But that, if I remember correctly, was because I'd stupidly smashed my writing hand, so I had nothing better to do.

And because, of course, if I was unconscious, then I wouldn't have to deal with Seguchi.

God. It's only been a day, and I've forgotten how beautiful he is. I've never noticed how long his eyelashes are, gently dusting his cheeks, still tinted pink after all his crying.

Which, I somehow get the feeling, I caused.

Shuichi. I can't look at you. Your hand...You're turning into me, aren't you?

No. That can't happen. It won't.

I won't let it.

Shuichi...God, Shuichi, you're beautiful. Your sweetness, your innocence...look at what I've done to you. I've poisoned you, tainted you, haven't I? I've turned you into something terrible. Into a monster. Just like me.

You never should have met me.

I've taken everything good and sweet and wonderful in you, and twisted it all up. So much so that you look in the mirror and you don't even recognize yourself. It's someone else, staring back at you, isn't it, and you don't like him. You hate him, don't you?

You want your old self back. You search for him, you look everywhere. But you don't find him. You never will.

You're stuck, for the rest of your life, with this horrible, repulsive person, and you can't stand him. You'll never be able to look in the mirror again. You don't want to admit that this person is you.

At least, I don't.

Shuichi. _God,_ Shuichi.

I almost wish we'd never met at all. That we never kissed, never touched.

That we never fell in love.

I almost wish you found someone else, before you got to me. You found someone who makes you smile, makes you happy, someone who deserves you, your sparkle, your light. I would just be a nameless, faceless person who quickly stepped in and out of your life, leaving no footprints, and you'd never think of me again.

I wish you'd never found me.

Almost.

After 'the incident', everything good inside me was gone. Torn apart, ripped into shreds, thrown carelessly out the window to be devoured by desperately hungry birds. He stole everything from me.

Or rather, I did.

I never, ever thought I'd get any of it back.

Then you came along, you little brat. I don't know how but, your stupid, insipid 'lyrics' and your freaking persistence and..._you_ somehow wormed your way into my heart. I let you in.

Mistake.

I started noticing the little sparkle in your eyes, the way you smile in your sleep. You'd tiptoe into my office and give me backrubs. You'd order pizza, respecting my wish for you to never set foot in my kitchen, _and _a six-pack of my favorite beer. We'd sit together, all those nights in the dark, you chattering on about absolutely nothing, and me pretending I didn't completely adore it.

You sweetly asked me for my heart, and I graciously, ridiculously handed it over, trusting you not to break it. In return, you gave me everything good in myself, everything I thought I'd lost forever.

Shuichi, you gave me everything.

Then...you took it all back. Smashed it all up, threw it in the blender, crushed it all like a butterfly on the windshield, a streak of fading color with no chance of ever breathing again.

So, now...now what? Is there any of me left, anything at all?

And what about you, Shuichi? Where's your sparkle, your light? Where have you hidden it?

Oh.

I took it, didn't I?

-

_She knocked on his door lightly, breathless, ecstatic.__She was here. And so was he. In a matter of seconds, just a few more seconds, he would open the door, and she'd jump into his arms; she'd hold him and never let him go, never._

_He did open the door. But he was in the arms of a woman. Another woman, who was busying herself sucking on his neck, kissing him there in the dark, dusty room, pretending she was in love with him._

_And there stood Tristesse, in the narrow doorway, unable to move, blink. She couldn't even slap him, or yell at him. She couldn't hate him._

_She wasn't pretending, anymore. She was in love with him._

_She stood on her toes, and gave him one last kiss. She hoped it was wonderful, and breathtaking, and everything he was for her._

_She hoped he regretted it, watching her walk out his door, out of his life, never to return. Never._

_-_

I kiss him, one last time. Just a forehead-kiss. Simple and sweet, just like how he always was, and how I'll never be again.

I leave everything with him. The Uesugi Eiri that was, the Yuki Eiri that is, the God-knows-who that will someday be. I give him the very last of my shattered, mangled heart. He'll take care of it, I know he will. And much better than I ever could.

Take care, Shuichi. I hope, with all my broken heart, that you find someone who loves you, someone who deserves you.

I leave the hospital with nothing.

I even left my freaking cigarette pack on his nightstand.

Oh well. I can get more. Cigarettes are everywhere.

Destroying ourselves, I've noticed, is something we humans really are fond of.

Outside, I'm hit with a wall of rain. Lovely. Soaking, sopping wet, I find my way into the car. Raindrops fall from the tips of my hair, into the collar of my shirt, and slither their way down my spine. I shiver.

I don't know where I'm going. Do I ever, really?

I need something, I realize, to believe in. I consider, for a brief, brief moment, driving all the way out to the temple, to visit my dad and...pray, or whatever he does.

Ha. That's funny.

I need somewhere to go. Anywhere but home. I don't want Shuichi, the thoughts of him, following me around. I don't need him haunting me.

One ghost is enough.

Okay. It's dark and rainy and miserable and I need a drink.

I'm turning into the next bar I see.

Another raindrop, another shiver. Something, in the back of my mind, tells me this isn't right.

Too bad I stopped listening to the voices in my head a long time ago.

-

A/N: I really am one for action...I like writing huge emotional breakdowns and fistfights and stuff. But for some reason, this little contemplative chapter was a total blast for me to write. Weird. I thought it was fun, anyway. You guys?

Oh...wow. I'm getting a lot of reviews these days. I don't even know _how_ to express my gratitude. You guys are crazy awesome. Thank you all so so so so much.

**Xedra: **The song...the SONG! D: You have made me love that song, actually. It's awesome. Thank you so, so much. I always feared that I was making Eiri and Shu a bit OOC in this story so, I'm glad someone told me otherwise. Your reviews make me so happy! X3

**Yuki-Mizu: **Yay, I'm hyper too! 8D I love your reviews so much as well. You're so nice and awesome! Eeeyah! Share some of your Pocky with meeee! -flails and falls out of chair- Thank you!

**Bad Luck Jynx: **Whoooa, that's so cool. It is, actually, a witty name! I love it. :D

**DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: **Oh my gosh, your username is awesome. I'm sorry I made you sad...I seem to be making a lot of people sad. Eep. I'm so glad you're enjoying it. :D

**sayuri-girl: **I know I say this every chapter, but I love your reviews soooo much. Are you secretly living in my mind or something? Eek, that's a little creepy. -laughs- Thank you so so so much, na no da!

**Rena! **Ohhh my gosh. You make me laugh like crazy. Thank you so so so so so much!!! You are way too kind! And...omg! I GOT MY OWN MOUNTAIN! AND IT'S TASTY TOO! Hee, I'm happy happy. LOVE!

**StormpawofMoonclan: **Aww, thank you SO much! I'm really sorry if I made you cry. However, it seems to be that only the really great authors can make me cry so...omg thanks so much! XD That's such a huge compliment! I'm so glad you like the story. :D

**Silvea: **Waaah, I'm making everyone sad. This is terrible. I love your reviews though. I'm sure Shuichi is very happy he's getting huggled. :D

**Vindalootoo: **Oh my gosh, where do I begin?! Your reviews are so wonderful, thank you so extremely much for taking the time to review every chapter! I would not have the attention span for that. I really can't bring myself to believe that you thought something I wrote was so funny that you read it out loud...that is seriously like, the super-duper ultimate honor. Thank you so very very much, I think by now you have somewhat of an idea of how much your reviews mean to me, maybe? ...Well, it's a lot. :D

**Julin Mizumi: **Yet _another_ totally awesome username. And, um...wow. Thank you SO SO much, man! That was like the nicest review ever! Even your review was really well-written, so of course I'm gonna have to check out those stories of yours. Thanks so much for your opinion, that review really made my day.

And YAY! I was called poetic again! -happy dances-

Umm...this is getting extremely long. Thanks so much for reading, everyone! And especially all you who reviewed, it means the world to me! Love yous.


	10. Splinter

Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami. I'm not her. Kaythanks.

**Shatter CH 10. Shuichi POV.**

Yummy.

That smells...yummy.

It takes quite some effort to open my eyes, on account of how it feels like my eyelids weigh five pounds each now.

How does the story about the Sandman go?

I really don't remember, but I think he visited me. He made my eyelids very, very heavy, because he didn't want me to wake up for a long, long time.

Well, sorry, Sandman-san, but this yummy smell is calling me, and I simply _must _answer it.

I attempt to push myself up out of bed and –

Ow. Ow. _Hand._

I keep forgetting about it.

Owww.

"Hey, hey," Hiro walks over, laughing like he's half amused, half terrified I'm gonna fall off the bed and split my head open. "Easy there, man. Need some help?"

I weakly nod up at him. As he pulls me up so I can sit, I find myself wondering why it is that I wasn't expecting Hiro to be the one here in this bleak, white room with me. He is the one who brought me here, after all. He is my best friend.

Why is it that I thought...that I _hoped_ Yuki would be here?

He was here, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah he was...I remember. He was right here. I remember because I didn't want him there. But he...he tried to hold me and...

And...

I fell asleep.

Did he leave then? Without saying goodbye? Why, Yuki? Did I say something mean in my sleep, or drool or do something stupid?

Did he...finally get sick of me? He finally threw me away, discarded me, just like he's probably always planned to do?

No...he...he loved me. At least a little bit. I know he did.

Could he have found out about...about _that?_ Could somebody have told him? No, nobody knows, do they? No one can know, it's too...

I can't have the rest of the world hating me too.

I already hate me.

And Yuki's always hated me.

Well, then, I guess everyone else doesn't really matter. If Yuki hates me, then...then...I don't really know what I'd do, and I kind of get the feeling I don't want to find out.

So I think, for now, I'll try forgetting about Yuki.

As gently as I can, I place his cigarette pack back on the nightstand.

I didn't even realize I was holding it.

Sigh.

"Hey, Hiro, can I have some of that?"

That was my voice again, wasn't it? It keeps talking without my permission. One day, it's really going to get me into trouble.

You know, _more._

He nods, and hands me a white carton of Chinese takeout. Yummy. Hiro always picks the best foods, he really does.

"Itadakimasu," I say quietly. My voice obeys me this time.

I split my chopsticks, which proves to be quite difficult when you've only got one functioning hand. I end up using my teeth, too, and they come out a bit uneven. Can't see how it really matters though, they're just chopsticks. It looks kinda cool, actually, when the wood's all jagged and splintery.

Unless you get a splinter in your tongue.

That _hurts._

I don't notice how quickly I'm eating until I dig my chopsticks into the carton for more and find out that it's completely empty. Hiro's laughing at me. I shoot him a glare.

At least, I think I do. Well, I don't know. My face probably doesn't obey me anymore either.

Maybe it isn't even my face.

Maybe this person, this Shindou Shuichi sitting here in a hospital bed with an empty Chinese food carton, maybe he's not me.

Who is me, anyway?

"Hey...Shuichi?" Hiro's voice is very quiet, like it's scared it might break the air if it's too loud.

I guess I'm still Shuichi, then.

"Mm?" I would answer him with a real word, but I'm busy stuffing my face with a second helping of shrimp fried rice. I guess I'm hungrier than I thought I was.

"Yuki-san didn't..." He shifts his eyes around, searching the room for the right word. "_Hurt_ you, did he?"

_What?_ No way! Never! Hiro, how could you even _think _that? Yuki isn't...he's too...Yuki would never, ever hurt me.

Not on purpose, anyway.

"No," I say, my voice very quiet too. Our voices are very scared today.

Does that mean we're scared too?

"It's more like..." I swallow. Hard. And again. I can't tell Hiro this, can I?

What if he hates me too?

"Like I hurt Yuki." I choke, saying his name. Not on food or anything. On my own heart, I think.

"Shu," he says, looking at me, so confused and _so _worried, "how could _you_ possibly hurt Yuki-san?"

"I...I, well..." No. No. Go away, stupid tears. I don't _want_ to cry again. "I think I may have destroyed his life."

Okay, now he just looks confused. "Sounds like you're overreacting a bit there."

"I am _not!_ I never overreact!" I shake a chopstick at him.

Now he's _laughing _at me! "Okay, Shu," he says, leaning back in his chair and still chuckling. "Name one time when you _didn't_ overreact."

"Um...well..." Huh. This is hard. I bite my lip. "There was the time..." Oh, come _on! _There has to be one time when I didn't...!

He's laughing again. "Told you so."

Then, a knock at the door. There's a knock, and I'm filled to the brim with both hope and utter dread, and I think whether it's Yuki or not, I'm going to _explode._

Please be Yuki.

No, please don't.

Hiro stands up the door. I think he thinks I can't do _anything_ for myself. I mean, I know he's trying to be helpful, which is really nice, but...

_Please _be Yuki.

It's...it's not Yuki. It's a girl. I think. Well, it sounds like a girl.

Actually, it sounds very much like it's purring.

Wait. I know this voice.

I need to get out of here.

I wonder which floor I'm on. Because I could probably jump four, five stories and still live, right?

Ack.

She's here, in all her blue-highlighted glory.

Somebody, anybody, please.

Help me.

I glance at Hiro. He just shrugs and makes a pained face. Oh, Hiro, if only you knew.

My heart just flipped over in my chest, just now.

"Higuchi-san," I squeak, sounding strangely like my rusty old bike tires.

"Shuichi," she purrs, like a big fat cat in need of a shave. Or something.

"We need to talk."

-

A/N: It seems that I used a lot of italics and "..." in this chapter. Forgive me! I like this one...it seems the old Shuichi is coming back, just a little bit...perhaps? I dunno, I suck with characterization. -laughs- This one was fun to write though. The next chapter, just so y'all know, is my favorite.

It's also the penultimate chapter. That thought makes me a little sad.

Anyways! Onto the...whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, um, you guys are _way_ too kind! Thanks so much for all the reviews! Ten reviews for one chapter...that's crazy, man.

Think we can beat it? ;D

**Renaaa.** Yes, cuter than a clown. They are scary. -shudders- Omg, you like contemplative chapters too? I love to read them. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy...or something. Hee. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

**Yukiiii!** NO WAY! Do NOT slump in jealousy! You're way cooler than me. And so...so flippin' nice! Thanks so so so much. And "writhing in excitement" is now my new offical favorite phrase. XD YAY POCKY! -throws some of her Pocky at you-

**Xedra: **Man oh man. I'm so sorry! I really don't mean for this to be so sad! I keep making people cry...I feel bad. But but...wowie. You're just so very kind! I'm one of those kinds of people who has to keep a box of Kleenex next to the computer, because fanfic makes me cry so easily. How sad. XD But gosh, thanks so much. Love youuuu.

**DarkMetalAngel: **Does he really? Ack. I'm sorry. Thanks for pointing that out, I really appreciate it. :D

**sayuriiii: **DARN! You figured out my secret! Yeah, I wrote this during a pretty sad time, which, I am very happy to say, is now mostly over. I'm guessing that's why this fanfic turned out so well. I haven't been able to write since. I need to get sad again. -laughs-

Oh my gosh...you like Tristesse? Really? Yaaay! -dances in circles- I love her. I always wanted to do the 'novel within a novel' thing, and I thought that since Eiri is a novelist, this was a perfect opportunity. I'd had the 'melancholy French whore' idea floating around in my head for quite some time, and I was so happy to finally find somewhere to use it. So thanks SO much! -super Shu hug-

**morot: **What can I say? I love angst. :D Thanks so much!

**My Fluffy Scarf: **LOL! I know exactly how you feel. I too, get super-emotional over fiction. It's fun, ne? Loving your insults for Eiri. He is a dummy-head. -laughs-

**murmury-channy-chan: **Wowie! Hooked, really, truly? This kid doesn't even know Gravi! -faints- Hee. Thanks so much, love. He may come back...may not...who knows? ;D

**Stormpaw: **Oh my gosh! So many food references! -happy dance- I've never tried Oriental ramen, so I'll have that. :D Chicken is my fave. ...Here I am, talking about noodles, when I'm supposed to be talking about my work of fiction. Oh well! Thanks so much! I love you toooo! And I'm sorry for making you cry. X3

**Newtral Not Outkast: **Man. Such a cool username. -defeated- Um um um...please love again! Don't let my fanfic get in the way of fulfilling your dreams! -hit over the head with a fish- Ahem. Thanks so much! I'm sorry you think it's sad...I feel terrible. But I'm happy you're enjoying it. :D

And, to my lovely Real Life Friend Who Shall Not Be Named...thank you. Love you. And I'm still mad at you for figuring out the twist. -laughs and glomps-

Thanks so much again for reading, everyone! Super love!


	11. Na No Da

Disclaimer: I am actually running out of clever ideas for disclaimers. Obviously, I'm not talented enough to own Gravitation.

**Shatter CH 11. Eiri POV.**

Someone (I cannot, at the time, remember who) once told me that someday, I would be severely punished for the large amount of drinking I do.

That day has finally come.

It starts innocently enough. I stumble, damp and miserable, into the small, badly-decorated, relatively-crowded bar. The heavenly smells of smoke and alcohol penetrate my lungs, gently guiding me toward a state of temporary bliss.

I then take the last empty barstool, inwardly yelling at the bartender to stop chatting with the drunken regulars and get his scrawny butt over here.

_Now_ would be nice.

Okay. Ten seconds and I'm out of here. Tapping my foot somewhat impatiently, I turn to face the clock, and for not even a nanosecond, meet the big, obnoxiously shiny blue eyes of a man I know, and wish I'd never met.

That's right. I am seated next to the one and only Sakuma Ryuichi, and his pink cloth...rabbit, I think it is.

Well, isn't this the whipped cream on top of a perfect day.

Fuck.

I crank the gears in my head, planning my escape. I'll tell him I need to pee, then–

Crap. He recognizes me.

And subsequently begins yammering in my ear, like we're _friends_, or something.

Suddenly, I am overcome with a burning desire to fling myself off a brigde.

Instead, I wave over the inept bartender, and request a large glass of the hardest liquor he's got.

Some ear plugs as well, but he just looks funny.

Obviously, he's never tried conversing with Sakuma Ryuichi.

That lucky, lucky man.

"I couldn't believe it!" Sakuma is saying, after thirty minutes of incessant babbling, much more loudly than necessary. "The _maid_ stole my favorite pair of underwear! She stole them, and apparently, she kept them under her pillow too, as some sort of good luck charm or something! Now that's just _gross_, don't you think?"

Yes. Now please shut up.

"Kumagoro thinks so too," he rambles on, moving the rabbit's head up and down in some lame imitation of a nod. "So you know what Tohma did? He got her fired! Got her good, na no da! Shazam!"

_Tohma._ I try not to look like I'm cringing. Absently, I wipe my lips with the back of my hand. I then wipe the back of my hand on my pant leg.

I need something to wipe my pant leg on.

No, I need a smoke.

"You got any cigarettes?" I ask. Oh, I'm slurring already.

"No siree!" He says cheerfully. No, dammit, Sakuma, this is _not_ a cheerful subject!

"Cigarettes are very, very bad for you, Yuki-san!" He lowers his voice to a whisper. A loud whisper. "Do you know what cigarettes _do_ to you, na no da?"

"Of course I do, idiot."

He's choking. No, the _rabbit_ is choking. Sakuma is making utterly repulsive hacking sounds, and his moronic plush toy is clutching its neck, dramatically suffocating itself. He then drops the rabbit onto the floor.

"Oh, Kumagoro," he sighs, looking down sorrowfully at the lump of fabric on the ground. "I _told_ you cigarettes were bad."

Suddenly, I wish that I always carried around a big, shiny gun, just like Shuichi's psycho manager.

Come to think of it, he managed Sakuma too, didn't he?

How great the temptation must've been, having to spend every waking minute with _this_ lunatic, and having that gun, right there in his pocket, just _begging_ to be shot.

I'm not sure if I really pity him, or _really_ admire him.

Sakuma bends over to pick up the toy, and dusts it off gingerly, giggling to himself. I find it very, very difficult to believe that this man is about ten years older than me.

Hell, I can't believe he graduated kindergarten.

He fishes a cherry out of his fruity little cocktail, then plucks the fruit off its stem and pops it into his mouth. Humming to himself, he twirls the stem around his finger.

I focus my attention on the pool of moisture forming around the bottom of my glass, slowly seeping through the napkin it's place upon.

Fascinating, really.

"Oh, hey, Yuki-san!" Sakuma exclaims, a few decimals short of louder than humanly possible. "I have something to tell you, something important!"

I nod slightly, bracing myself for an epic tale of starfish and green tea.

"Okay!" He begins, clapping his hands like he's proud of himself for forming these two syllables. "This is a big, ginormous secret, but I simply must tell you before I explode."

No. Please, explode.

"About Tohma...he has a really super-big crush on you."

The rabbit's nodding again.

Now I _really_ wish I had that gun.

Anyone wanna shoot me?

Anyone at all?

"And he made up this plan, you see," he ties the cherry stem in a knot around his finger, "to hire this girl to pretend to be a producer, then she'd kiss Shu-chan and make him feel really bad about himself so he'd break up with you!"

That's lovely, Sakuma.

Wait.

WHAT?

"Kumagoro actually thought that was a pretty cool plan, which I guess it would be, if it didn't hurt Shu-chan. So I thought I'd tell you now, Yuki-san, before it's too late, and Shu-chan gets hurt!"

It _is _too late, you imbecile.

And, so help me God, I am going to _kill _Seguchi Tohma.

Or at least key his car.

Seguchi, you see is very proud of his car.

How could he even _think_ of hurting my...

Of hurting Shuichi?

That _bitch._

"Where are you going, na no da?" Sakuma asks as I stand up from my stool. It takes me a second to find my balance.

So maybe I drank a bit too much.

Oh well, never hurt anyone.

I don't answer.

"Can Ryu-chan come too?" He jumps out of his stool, bunny in hand.

"No."

"Oh, please, Yuki-san? Kumagoro loves car rides!" He's bouncing on his toes, and swaying himself back and forth. I think he's drunk too.

Never mind, the idiot's always like this.

"We can fit in the trunk!"

"_Fine._"

He did, after all, just help me realize that...

Oh my God.

I love Shuichi.

I love Shuichi, dammit, and if anyone, namely Seguchi Tohma, tries getting in the way of that...

Then they are one sorry motherfucker, na no da.

-

A/N: Well, it looks like we've finally reached some sort of climax. About time, huh? -laughs- I love this chapter...it was just insanely fun to write. If you ever want a POV challenge, Drunken Eiri is the way to go. It's a blast. Ryu and Eiri are my two favorites, and I really wanted them to have a chapter together, what with the super personality clash and all...I thought it would be fun. And it was. :D

That being said, my very deepest apologies if anyone was offended by anything in this chapter. That's the last thing I want, so I'm very sorry if I did! Should I bump up the rating of the story, I wonder?

Anyways, this is indeed the penultimate chapter...that means the last one's coming up next. Exams are next week, though, so I may not have it up on Friday, as per usual. Again, my apologies.

**sayuri: **Totally agree. I _love _Hiro. I think I have a few friends as loving and loyal as him, which I am truly grateful for...but none as sexy. -hit with a brick- Thanks for your review as always! Love you!

**DarkMetalAngel: **-laughs- Yeah, she does suck a little bit...but she's not all bad, as we now know. It's all that blonde pimp, Tohma! -falls over laughing-

**Rena: **Gosh, I am _loving _all this hostility toward Higuchi-san! Mwee hee, I like cliffhangers. I think everyone knows that by now, though. :D YES I LOVED YOUR FANFIC! SasuNaru is absolutely wonderful. Somehow, though, I can't bring myself to write it. Hmmm. LOVE YOU TOOOO!

**Xedra: **Awesome angst...really? Thank you! I personally think that I'm just awesomely angsty. XD "Oh crap, that horrible woman is back." That seriously made me laugh out loud! Love it! Oooh, I made your heart pound? Have I ever mentioned that I love your reviews? Yeah, I did. Oh well! I'm saying it again! LOVE!

**engmbt: **Eeee, thanks so much! That review made my day. :D I do agree that it's a bit overdramatic, but...that's actually what I was going for! Is that weird? -laughs-

**Yuki: **Well then, my dear, you are a geek of the very best kind. XDYes, I still love that phrase. I said it in an everyday conversation a few days ago. Eeehh? You don't remember the evil catlady from chapter two? Well, that was a long time ago, so I understand. Or maybe I'm just stupid and I read the review wrong. Oh well. Thanks so much, I love you too!

**Stormpaw: **Printed...it...out? Wow, so, I feel hugely special right now. -basks in glorious moment- Cheese? That is a little weird. I'll have to try it sometime! Ramen is my dear love. Oh, and I don't mind hearing about your eating habits! I'm rambling about mine too, after all. Thanks so much for your lovely longest review ever! I feel special again! -laughs- Love you too!

Thanks to everyone who reads this doofy little fic, and HUGE thanks to everyone who reviewed Brilliance, and Pretend...which, thanks to the lovely **Yuki-Mizu**, is going to be my new multi-chapter project, once I finish typing this one up. So if you like RyuShu, check it out if you have the time!

Have a wonderful day everyone! Thanks again!


	12. Good Enough

Disclaimer: IT'S NOT MINE!

-

_If only, I had one wish_

_I'd want a million trillion lifetimes that I could spend with you_

_I'd fall in love with you, again and again. -_ "Looking Back on Today", The Ataris

-

**Shatter CH 12. Shuichi POV.**

Seguchi Tohma-san is a _bitch._

Super-cool and talented keyboardist of Nittle Grasper, my butt.

I may not be speaking to Fujisaki for a while.

Higuchi-san told me everything, in that purr-meow voice of hers. Even though I slapped her a few times, across the face, I kind of almost like her now.

I really admire her, anyway, for having the courage to say she's sorry.

Unlike _someone_ I know.

Shindou Shuichi, that is.

And suddenly, it hits me.

I _do_ have the courage to say I'm sorry. Hidden somewhere deep, deep inside of me.

All I have to do is find it.

"Hiro," I announce. Or rather, my voice announces. It's much braver than me right now. My legs are shaking, even as I stand up. I feel like I'm going to turn into a puddle of pink Jello.

Is there such thing as pink Jello?

I think so. Strawberry kiwi, right?

"I'm going out," my voice informs Hiro. I'm busy trying to figure out how to stand up straight.

"Huh?" Hiro looks up from the newspaper he's reading. He must be _really _bored. "Where?"

"Um..." This, I have to think about. Where am I going, exactly? To find Yuki, that's all I know.

Everything else will work itself out on the way.

Yeah.

"To make everything right again," I say. That's right. Me.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

I hope.

He smiles a great big Hiro-smile. "Good luck, kid."

"Thanks," I say, trying to remember how to walk, and succeeding only in falling flat on my face.

OW.

Looks like I'll be needing it.

-

As I make my way out to the parking lot, I am suddenly struck with the realization that I have no idea how to get home from this hospital.

I don't even know which hospital this _is._

Frick on a stick.

I just stand here for a minute, the collar of Hiro's extra-large T-shirt falling down my shoulder, contemplating what to do about the situation I seem to have gotten myself into.

When I see a car.

A sleek, black, beautiful Mercedes.

I know this car. I've rode in this car. I have been threatened with the thought of my very own head on a platter, if I so much as consider driving this car.

Suddenly, I know exactly what to do.

Ooh, a shiver ran through my body just now.

I pull the collar of Hiro's shirt back up to my neck. Deep breath. Okay. Here goes nothing.

Or everything, depending upon how you wanna look at it.

My legs are jumping in front of Yuki's car, my arms are thrown out wide, and for a second I think I just might fly. My voice screams at the top of my lungs, and for the first time in...well, a while, I feel alive.

Though if Yuki doesn't slow down soon, I may not be very much alive at all.

Gulp.

The car screeches. I can almost _feel _the rubber tires burning on top of the pavement.

Yuki bursts out of the car, not even bothering to shut the door behind him, and proceeds to sweep me up into his arms and give me the most perfect, wonderful, spectacular kiss I ever will receive.

"Shuichi." He breaks the kiss. I moan. No, please keep kissing me, Yuki. I forgot how absolutely yummy you are. "You're _so_ stupid."

Does he really think I don't _know_ that? "Just kiss me, please," I beg of him.

And so he does.

"Yuki," I breathe. He's so tasty. He really is. "There was this thing that happened, and..."

"Basically, Seguchi's an asshole. Right?"

Huh? How'd he...?

Then I notice Sakuma-san, who's looking very, extremely happy for me.

Well, that's someone I never thought I'd see coming out of Yuki's car.

Weird.

"Yeah, that," I sigh, as Yuki kisses the very tip of my nose.

You know, I feel very, extremely happy for me too.

"Yuki?"

He's chewing on my bottom lip a little, tickling me, teasing me. Mm. I like that.

"Let's start over again," I propose between kisses. "I mean, I jumped in front of your car and everything...Right now, at this moment, let's start over again. And this time, we'll get a happy ending."

Oh. _Oh._

Before, I lied.

_This_ is the best kiss I ever will receive.

Somehow, though, I get the feeling I'm lying again.

"Yeah, that," he sighs, leaving a trail of sweet kisses down my neck.

I snuggle into his chest, and he wraps his arms around me so tight, and I wanna stay like this forever.

I hope he never, ever lets go.

And somehow, I don't think he will.

"I love you so so so so so so much, Yuki," I say into his shirt.

I look up. He's rolling his golden eyes at this. I prepare my self for some scathing comment about how stupid and needy I am.

It doesn't come.

Instead, he smirks and says, "You too, brat."

And all of a sudden, I'm sparkling. I feel like I, Shindou Shuichi, could be amazing.

For the first time in my life, I feel good enough for Yuki.

And at this moment, I feel very, very pretty.

You know, if it were possible to die of happiness, I would've died six times by now.

No, seven.

Million trillion.

"...na no DA!"

Ooooh, Seguchi-san just got hit with a Kumagoro Beam.

Hey. When'd he get here?

I watch Yuki clench his fists, twitch his eyebrows. He's so sexy when he's mad.

Well, he's sexy all the time, but...

Oh, you know.

I don't know _what _possesses me to do this, but I walk right over to Seguchi-san, take my non-injured hand, and punch him in that smiling face of his.

Wow.

That felt really, really good.

Yuki looks proud, too.

"Yuki?" I ask him, leaving Seguchi-san to tend to his bleeding nose, muttering obscenities to himself. My voice sounds a bit whinier than I'd like it too, but when you're as happy as I am right now, I guess you really can't help it. "Take me home."

He takes me into his arms again, kissing the top of my head. I feel so, so wonderful right now, I can't even begin to describe it.

I can't even believe it.

Yuki, I _love_ you.

"Yeah," he says, twirling a lock of my hair with one of those long, lean, sexy fingers of his. "Right after we stop for some cigarettes."

-

Epilogue: Two months later

-

_Tristesse looked around the empty apartment, making sure, one last time,_ _that she wasn't forgetting anything, leaving anything behind._

_No. Nothing but her memories, her former self._

_She didn't know where she was going, not yet. Somewhere big, and open, with mountains and lakes and meadows. Somewhere where she could be free, surrounded by only the beauty of the world._

_Not tied down by men. Useless affections. Unfulfilled fantasies. The empty promises of lust and love, those no longer belonged to her._

_She took her suitcase, wheeling_ _it behind her out the door, and sighed, saying one last goodbye to the empty apartment, for real this time._

_She began her last stroll down the sidewalks of Paris, alone and unafraid._

_-_

"That's it?" I ask, from my permanent spot of behind Yuki's computer chair, rubbing his back. He's so _tense. _He always gets like this when he's finishing up a book; he glues himself to his computer chair, writes twenty-four hours a day, then gets cranky 'cause he's missing out on sex.

And I take off work so I can spend my whole entire day massaging Yuki's back, stopping only to refill his coffee mug or use the bathroom.

I don't mind though, because I get to be with Yuki.

And read what he's writing.

"She doesn't end up with _anyone?_" I go on. "Don't you think that's a little sad? I mean..."

He swivels around in his chair, so he's now facing me. He places a finger to my lips, and I promptly shut up.

"Well," he says, in that deep, deep, sexy voice, "I guess not everyone is lucky enough to get an ending as happy as ours."

He then pulls me into his lap and proceeds to give me the most awesome, breathtaking, glorious kiss I ever will receive.

Somehow, though, I get the feeling I'm lying again.

**Fin.**

A/N: OH MY GOSH.

It's DONE!

Wow. It's been a long and angsty ride. This chapter, I fear, was a bit fluffy...hope anyone doesn't mind terribly much. Oh, and I must say before I forget, I'm so glad everyone liked the Ryuichi chapter! That makes me happy out of my mind.

So, um, I'll admit it. Take away the kissing, the smashing, and most of the happy ending, and 'Shatter' is the story of my best friend and me. In the story, Shuichi plays the role of me. Poor kid. -laughs- I hope, with all my heart, that I too can find the courage to say I'm sorry, wherever it may be.

Yeeeeah. Sappy ending-thing officially over.

Now, I'm not gonna do individual review replies, on account of how superlatively long this chapter already is, but I must say: Thank you SO much to everyone who read this thing. Thank you so so SO much to everyone who enjoyed it!

And...to everyone who reviewed, thank you thank you thank you, a million trillion thank yous, from the bottom of my heart. You guys are truly awesome, and I love you all.

And now...OH MY GOSH IT'S DONE! Wheeeeee.

Thanks again guys! Love you all. :D


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